memory palace

1. Anglo-Saxon

or whatever happened to the Jutes?

The English Language begins with the phrase “Up Yours Caesar!”. As the Romans leave Britain, and a lot of Germanic tribes start flooding in. Tribes such as the Anglos and the Saxons, who together gave us the term Anglo-Saxon, and the Jutes, who didn’t. The Romans lefts some very straight roads behind, but not much of their Latin Language. The Anglo-Saxon vocab was much more useful, as it was mainly word for simple everyday things like house, woman, loaf and werewolf. Four of our days of the week were named in honor of Anglo-Saxon gods. They didn’t bother with Saturday, Sunday and Monday, as they all had gone off for a long weekend.

While they are away, Christian missionaries stole in bringing with them leaflets about jumble sales and more Latin. Christianity was a hit with the locals, and made them much happier to take on funky new words from Latin, like martyr, bishop and font.

Along came the Vikings, with their action-man words, like drag, ransack, thrust and die. They may have raped and pillaged. but they were also into give and take, two of around 2000 words they gave English, as well as the phrase, “What out for that man with the enormous axe”.

2. The Norman Conquest

or excuse my English.

1066, True to his name, William the Conqueror invades England, bringing new concepts from across the channel, like the French language, the Doomsday Book and the duty-free Galois’s multipack. French was “de rigueur” for all official business, with words like judge, jury, evidence and justice coming in and giving John Grisham’s career a kick-start. Latin was still used “ad nauseam” in church, but the common man spoke English, able to communicate only by speaking more slowly and loudly, until the others understood him.

Words like cow, sheep and swine come from the English-speaking farmers, while the “a la carte” versions beef, mutton and pork come from the French-speaking toffs, beginning a long-running trend of restaurants having completely indecipherable menus.

All in all, the English absorbed about ten thousand new words from the Normans, though they still couldn’t grasp the rules of cheek kissing.

The “bonhomie” all ended when the English nation took their new warlike lingo of armies, navies and soldiers and began the Hundred Years’ War against France. It actually lasted 116 years, but by that point, no one could count any higher in French and English took over as the language of power.

3. Shakespeare

or a plaque on both his houses

As the dictionary tells us, about 2000 new words and phrases were invented by William Shakespeare. He gave us handy words like eyeball, puppy dog and anchovy and more show-offy words like dauntless, besmirch and lacklustre. He came up with the word “alligator” soon after he ran out of things to rhyme with “crocodile”. And a nation of tea drinkers finally took him to their when he invented the “hobnob”.

Shakespeare knew the power of catchphrases as well as biscuits. Without him we’d never eat our “flesh and blood”, “out of house and home”. We’d have to say “good riddance” to the “green eyed monster”, and “breaking the ice” would be as “dead as a doornail”. If you tried to get your “money’s worth”, you’d be given “short shrift”, and anyone who “laid it on with a trowel” could be “hoist with his own petard”. Of course, it’s possible other people used these words first, but the dictionary writers liked looking them up in Shakespeare, because there was more “cross-dressing” and people “poking” each other’s eyes out.

Shakespeare’s poetry showed the world that English was a rich, vibrant language, with limitless expressive and emotional power. and he still had time to open all of those tea rooms in Stratford.

4. The King James Bible

or let there be light reading.

In 1611 “the powers that be” turned the world upside down with a “labour of love”, a new translation of the Bible. A team of scribes with the “Wisdom of Solomon” went the extra mile to make King James’s translation “all things to all men”, whether form their “heart’s desire”, to “fight the good fight” or just for the “filthy lucre”. This sexy new Bible went from strength to strength, getting to the root of the matter in a language, even the salt of the earth could understand. The writing wasn’t on the wall. It was in handy little books and with fire and brimstone preachers reading it in every church. Its words and phrases took root to the ends of the earth, well at least the ends of Britain. The King James Bible is the book that taught us that “a leopard can’t change its spots”, that “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”, that “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” is harder to spot than you would imagine, and how annoying it is to have “a fly in your ointment”. In fact, just as Jonathan begat Merib-Baal, and Merib-Baal begat Micah, the King James Bible begat a whole glossary of metaphor and morality that still shapes the way English is spoken today. Amen!

5. The English of Science

or how to speak with gravity

Before the 17th Century scientists weren’t really recognized, possibly because lab coats had yet to catch on. But suddenly Britain was full of physicists. There was Robert Hooke, Robert Boyle and even some people not called Robert, like lsaac Newton. The Royal Society was formed out of the Invisible College, after they put it down somewhere and couldn’t find it again. As first, they worked in Latin. After sitting through Newton’s story about the “pomum” falling to the “terra” from the “arbor” for the umpteenth time, the bright sparks realized they all spoke English and they could transform our understanding of the universe much quicker by talking in their own language. But science was discovering things faster than they could name them. Words like “acid”, “gravity”, “electricity” and “pendulum” had to be invented just to stop their meetings turning into an endless game of charades. Like teenage boys, the scientists suddenly became aware of the human body, coining new words like “cardiac” and “tonsil”, “ovary” and “sternum”. and the invention of “penis” and “vagina” made sex education classes a bit easier to follow. Though and “clitoris” was still a source of confusion.

6. English and Empire

or the sun never sets on the English language.

With English making its name as the language of science, the Bible and Shakespeare, Britain decided to take it on tour, asking only for land, wealth, natural resources, total obedience to the crown and a few local words in return. They went to the Caribbean looking for gold and a chance to really unwind, discovering the “barbecue”, the “canoe” and a pretty good recipe for rum punch. They also brought back the word “cannibal” to make their trip sound more exciting.

In India, there was something for everyone. “Yoga”, to help you stay in shape while pretending to be spiritual. If that didn’t work, there was the “cummerbund” to hide the paunch. And if you couldn’t even make it up the stairs without turning crimson, they had the “bungalow”.

Meanwhile in Africa, they picked up words like “voodoo” and “zombie”, kicking off the teen horror film.

Form Australia, English took the words “nugget”, “boomerang” and “walkabout” and in fact, the whole concept of chain pubs. All in all, between toppling Napoleon and the First World War, the British Empire gobbled up around the million square miles, four hundred million people and nearly a hundred thousand gin and tonics, leaving new varieties of English to develop all over the globe.

7. The Age of the Dictionary

or the definition of a hopeless task.

With English expending in all directions, along came a ne breed of men called “lexicographers” who wanted to put an end to this anarchy. A word they defined as “What happens when people spell words slightly differently from each other?”. One of the greatest was Dr. Johnson, whose “Dictionary of the English Language” took him nine years to write. It was 18 inches tall and contained 42773 entries, meaning that even if you couldn’t read, it was still pretty useful if you wanted to reach a high shelf. For the first time when people were calling you a “pickleherring”, a “jobbernowl”, or a “fopdoodle”, you could understand exactly what they meant. And you’d have the consolation of knowing they were all using the standard spelling.

Try as he might to stop them, words kept being invented and in 1857, a new book was started that would become the Oxford English Dictionary. It took another 70 years to be finished after the first editor resigned to be an archbishop. The second died of TB and the third was so boring that half his volunteers quit and one s them ended up in an asylum. It eventually appeared in 1928 and has continued to be revised ever since, proving the whole idea that you can stop people from making up words is complete “snuffbumble”.

8. American English

not English but somewhere in the ballpark.

From the moment Brits first landed in America, they needed names for all the new plants and animals, so they borrowed words like “raccoons”, “squash” and “moose” from the Native Americans as well as most of their territory. Waves of immigrants fed America’s hunger for words. The Dutch came sharing coleslaw and cookies, probably as a result of their relaxed attitude to drugs. Later, the Germans arrived selling pretzels from delicatessens. And the Italians arrived with their pizza, their pasta and their Mafia, just like mama used to make.

America spread a new language of capitalism, getting everyone worried about the “break-even” and “the bottom line”, whether they were blue chip or white-collar. The commuter needed a whole new system of freeways, subways and parking lots and quickly before words like “merger” and “downsizing” could be invented. American English drifted back across the pond as Brits got the hang of their cool movies and their groovy jazz. There are even some forgotten words that lived on in American, so they carried on using fall, faucets, diapers and candy while the Brits moved on to autumn, taps, nappies and NHS dental care.

9. Internet English

or language reverts to type.

In 1972, the first e-mail was sent. Soon, the Internet arrived, a free global space to share information, ideas and amusing picture of cats. Before the Internet, English changed through people speaking it. But the Net brought typing back into fashion, and hundreds of cases of repetitive strain injury. Nobody had ever had to download anything before, let alone use a toolbar. And the only time someone set up a firewall, it ended with a massive insurance claim and a huge pile of charred wallpaper.

Conversations were getting shorter than the average attention span. Why bother writing a sentence when an abbreviation would do and leave you more time to “blog”, “poke” and “reboot” when your hard drive “crashed”? “In my humble opinion” became IMHO. “by the way” became BTW, and “if we’re honest that life threatening accident was pretty hilarious”, simply became FAIL. Some changes even passed into spoken English. “For your information” became FYI, people “frequently asked questions” became FAQ. like, “How can LOL mean ‘laugh out loud’ and ‘lots of love’?”. If you’re gonna complain about that, then UG2BK (you’ve got 2 be kidding)

10. Global English

or whose language is it anyway?

In the 15 hundred years since the Romans left Britain, English has shown a unique ability to absorb,evolve, invade and if we’re honest, steal. After foreign settlers got it started, it grew into a fully fledged language all of its own, before leaving home and traveling the world.

First via the high seas, then via the high-speed broadband connection, pilfering words from over 350 languages, and establishing itself as a global institution. All this despite a written alphabet that bears no correlation to how is sounds and a system of spelling that even Dan Brown couldn’t decipher. Right now, around 1.5 billion people speak English. Of these, about a quarter are native speakers, a quarter speak it as their second language, and half are able to ask for directions to a swimming pool.

There’s Hinglish, which is Hindi English, Chinglish, which is Chinese English and Singlish, which is Singaporean English, and not that bit where they speak in musicals. So in conclusion, the language has got so little to do with England these days. It may well be time to stop calling it English. If someone does thing up a new name for it, it should probably be in Chinese, call “文” 。